Have Faith, Have Hope.

Just ignore how tired I look and check out my offspring's gorgeous eyes.  Photo by Welda Jolley 

Aidan was baptized yesterday.  He has been talking about this day since attending his friend Jacob's baptism and we were so grateful to have so many friends and family members there to support him. 

The day began in a really rough way.   Colin struggled with jealousy and acted out by not doing what we asked and not listening all morning and through church.  He was out for three timeouts during the first hour of church.  I was struggling with keeping a good attitude about the day, wanting to bring positive feelings into it.  I had decided to do my best to fake it, but the closing hymn had begun.  Nine years ago, I was leading a congregation in singing the same song.  The last verse begins with these lyrics:

"I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!
From him I’ll gain my fondest dream;
And while I strive through grief and pain,
His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.' " 


At the time, we'd just started fertility meds, and I was more scared than I was hopeful.  These words struck a chord, if you'll pardon the pun, and these words were comforting to me.  Three months later, Aidan was on his way.  Now here we were, passing this milestone with that fondest dream- and two more. 

We were humbled by how many people came to see him be baptized- some driving hours to be there.  It was what you expect at an LDS baptism- until he came out of the water and declared "That was fun!"  Later, he asked Chris if they could "do it again sometime."    We asked those in attendance to write Aidan notes to remember the day, and I didn't have a chance to then- so I'll add it here. 

Aidan, I am so proud of who you are.  Your kind and open heart inspires me everyday. The way you want to do the right thing is a trait that your dad and I are so grateful for.  I'm so grateful you were our first born- you've been so patient and forgiving of me as I learn how to be a mom in each stage of your growing up.  Your aunt and uncle sang at your baptism, and some of the words they sang are exactly what I want you to continue to do as you continue to grow: 

"Have faith, have hope.  Live like His son.  Help others on their way. " 

Welcoming Anna

holding Anna for the first time.  

Many friends can tell you that I have said one of my greatest fear is raising a daughter.  It still is. There's so much that comes with being born without a Y chromosome that I'm still learning to navigate myself, and I worry that I won't be able to adequately  help her figure out those same things. I would have loved another boy  very much (his name would have been Emmett). I have a rule against saying that I'm hoping for one gender or another while I'm pregnant, but the night before our big ultrasound, I realized that, knowing three was our magic number, that if this baby wasn't a girl, I'd never have a daughter.  That thought made me sad.  After we knew Anna was coming, I confessed this to a friend, who said, "I'm glad the universe knew what you wanted before you did."

While we had the boys' names chosen before we were engaged, we've only ever agreed on two girl names - this comes from being married to a teacher.  Chris mentioned the name while we were watching Sweeney Todd, and Anthony was singing "Johanna."   Knowing we wanted to use Josephine as a middle name, he said he really liked Anna.  It felt right, and it stuck.

The process of adding her to our family was a tricky one.  There was a year of fertility medicine, then we decided to take a break, and apparently the drug has a decent half-life.  Then the pregnancy proved that three children really would be enough for us.  Trying to parent through feeling terrible is a difficult task, especially when it goes on for most of nine months.  She was born half an hour before her brothers took the stage in the nativity ballet, after a long night and morning of  will we or won't we be having this baby today.  Then she spend a few days in the NICU while her blood sugar gave her some trouble.   All of this complaining leads me to say, in hindsight, that it was a frustratingly beautiful process to bring her into the world.  Three hours after her birth, there was a parade two blocks away from the hospital.  It seems fitting.

She's much smaller than her brothers, and it still surprises me to look at her.  That she hasn't grown out of her newborn clothes, and that she has needed them at all, amuses me.  She's pretty good at jumping right into the crazy and going with the flow- until she isn't, and then her brothers come rushing to her aid, quick to offer kisses and consolation.  Several times a day, Colin comes running through the house, which such a duck face, you'd think his lips were stretching to reach for her cheeks the moment it occurred to him that she ought to be kissed.  Aggressively affectionate, we call it.

We're settling back into life, with Chris back to teaching and Aidan back at school.  I struggle, trying to figure out how things have to work with the demands of a new baby, but everyone is pitching in, and helping out.   Having her here feels like putting the last piece of a puzzle in place, and I'm just starting to sit back and see how it looks completed.

My Goals and Intentions for 2015

Cute baby picture just because.

I've missed writing.  I've missed documenting what's happening in ways that can be more reflective than Facebook blurbs.  I made writing weekly one of my goals for this year. Then I missed the first week.  Go figure.  Nevertheless, here I am. 

I want to be more aware of our routines at home, and to be more intentional and consistent with them. It's a little hectic right now, trying to do this with a new baby, so flexibility is key, with a heavy helping of "try, try again."  What I know is that I'm a little less crazy when routines are at least attempted,  Taking better care of myself is high on the list, too.  There's not any particular size or number, just feeling like I have the energy to take care of my family, and to enjoy them.  I'm setting small goals for each month and trying to make it a part of the routines. This month, I'm trying to add more movement, and now that I've recovered from my c-section, I'm adding walking into the routine. 

One idea that has been on my mind is to get out, locally, and explore a little more.  More getting out with my kids, now that I've had this baby and don't just want to lie in bed all day.  I want to focus this close to home, mostly, and see more of what's great about where we live.  We've lived in this neighborhood for seven years, and I feel like what we've taken advantage of here is still limited.  My plan is to document this more with pictures, try to get to know our camera a little better, and maybe, if it isn't terrible, share some of that here. 

Creatively, I'm not sure what my goals are.  Fit it in where I can?  I've got some half-done knitting right now, and I'd love to be back at my sewing machine soon, but we'll see what life throws at us and what we can make happen.  I know I want to do more with my kids, involving them, or planning projects with them.  It's still a priority, but not quite at the top, as I'm not sure what is possible just yet.  

Finally, a lot of people start the year by choosing a word to make a mantra or intention of.  It took a while for me to figure it out, but the word I chose is "Open."  2013 was kind of hard on me, and 2014 I spent a lot of time feeling really crappy being pregnant.  When I'm struggling like that, I tend to close off a lot and it's not the best for me or anyone.  I want to be more open to my family, more open to others, and more open to ideas and opportunities.  Even writing  all of this feels more vulnerable than I want to be, but there you have it.